Helicopter Parent

Let's start here, as this is the one you probably know. Wikipedia (the amazing academic repository of truth) defines this type as: “a parent who pays extremely close attention to a child's experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. Helicopter parents are so named because, like helicopters, they "hover overhead", overseeing every aspect of their child's life constantly. ”

We all have seen them. We’ve all had our hair ruffled by their rotor wash. We might even be one! It’s all good. There is a time and place for helicopter parenting. Don’t judge or apologize. Just keep your rotor speed up and your hand firmly on the controls. You never know when you might need to swoop in for a rescue.

AC-130 Gunship

This is a subset of the helicopter parent, in a “Bad Moms” kind of way. Another term for this style is a crazy Soccer Mom. Not only are you flying endless circles around your kid, but you also have massive firepower and seemingly unlimited ammunition. Your ammo might consist of expletives yelled at a sporting event that would make a sailor blush. You might also hurl actual physical objects like backup athletic gear, drink bottles, or designer fashion accessories.

This parenting type is elusive, and only shows up in specific environments, much like the AC-130. In other circumstances, you might be evacuating refugees from troubled parts of the planet or transporting low-level politicians on fact-finding missions.

Air Superiority Fighter

If you are a parent of a teenage daughter, you will recognize this one. This parent is routinely out on fighter sweeps looking for adversaries, and ready to strike at a moment's notice. You know the rules of engagement, but you are also ready to bend them. Your sweeps might lead to an international incident, but you don’t care. You are Iceman, Maverick and Goose all at the same time.

You are protecting the world from a previous version of . . . you. In a quest to perform more escort missions, you actively seek them out. But you are usually denied the mission by your (wiser) superior officer. Is your ego writing checks your body can’t cash? Don’t worry, someday your dedication will be appreciated. Although that might be several decades from now. And that leads us to the next category.

Warbird

Once a parent, always a parent. Warbirds are a mixed bag. On one hand warbirds are lovely, graceful, and full of history and nostalgia. On the other hand, they are WAY past their sell-by date and their performance has been eclipsed many times over. Grandparents certainly fall into this category. But you might achieve warbird status before your kids are out of middle school, depending on the pace of technological and cultural advancement.

Do your kids make fun of your taste in music? Do you ask them for help connecting a Bluetooth device on your phone? It might be time to accept what you are and roll into it gracefully. Keep an eye out for leaking fluids and enjoy your new life on the airshow circuit.

Airliner

This is the workhorse of the parenting styles. You selflessly show up for your kids (and probably six of their friends/teammates) a few dozen times a week. You provide snacks more often than actual meals. You clean up vomit. You can unload, refuel, re-cater, pre-flight and reload the minivan faster than an airport security officer can rummage through a bag looking for an empty water bottle. And you do it with a smile.

As the munchkins exit the vehicle you are always there with a “have a great day!” even though your soul-crushing next stop is the grocery store to load up on more snacks. Or you might be driving to work for a few mindless hours until you have to be back in the school pickup line, listening to talk radio, and wondering how you ever ended up owning a minivan.

Blimp

This is the Homer Simpson of parenting. You might have a purpose and direction. But to most others you appear to be aimlessly hovering and meandering through the world with very little care or self-awareness. You might be a heavy lifter and certainly have some steampunk credibility. But most of the world views you as the Hindenburg and will be somewhat smug when you come in for a fiery landing. Oh the humanity!

Spyplane

Are your kids on social media? Of course they are. Do you cyber-stalk them? Of course you do. It all comes down to how you do it. Are you nearly silent, at 80,000 feet, slipping by unnoticed while you gather your intel? Then you are a U-2 parent. On the other hand, if you are screaming by at Mach 3, in full afterburner, possibly responding to their posts in a most obnoxious way, then you are an SR-71 Blackbird parent.

Both can be effective, and both have their place. Just be careful not to get shot down over enemy territory. And if you ever have been, you know exactly what I am talking about. It takes a lot of diplomatic capital to escape.

Crop Duster

This parenting style almost always co-exists with others. Let’s face it, kids are disgusting train-wrecks. Like mini tornados, they leave a swath of chaos in their wake. Some parents just let this be, often with a disastrous result. Being older and wiser, some parents attempt to keep it under control. You swoop in with a full arsenal of disinfectants, air fresheners, and sometimes pesticides. Aerosols are your wingman. This is a utilitarian form of parenting. It is far from sexy, but like a good crop duster, you get the job done.

Aerial Tanker

After having evolved through most of the previous, this is my current parenting style. I have one daughter in college, and a second heading there in a few weeks. I no longer drive them anywhere. Between classes, jobs, school functions, and hanging out with friends, I barely even see them. My primary role in their life at this point is sustenance. Whether it be food, shelter, insurance, or clothing allowance, it seems most of what I provide these days is a refueling line. They swoop in, top off, and accelerate away on afterburner. But I am at peace with that. I have fond memories of many of the other aircraft/parenting styles, and I am looking forward to my future days as a warbird!